why im i the only drunk person in the library?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
