3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
