how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
