legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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