Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
