I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
