My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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