I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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