i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
