my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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