Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
