I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
