...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
the condom got lost in my hair
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's blow job season.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
