My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
