The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
