the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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