i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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