Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
