you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
