Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
