well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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