Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
