So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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