As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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