I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There's always time for handjobs
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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