Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
