Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
