I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
