I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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