I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
