Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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