we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
