There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
