It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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