you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
