her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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