I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
