I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize