So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize