Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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