Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
