i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
