Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
