good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
