So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
