I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
