I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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