the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
