Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
be right there i have to get my cape
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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