I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
