I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
