it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
