There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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