Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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