My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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