I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
