did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
