He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
