So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
my shit smells like andre
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
