There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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